Reminiscene

I am trying to befriend my memories and establish a better communication, so my memories can understand where their limits are in my life now.

Memories strike, sometimes more like they assault and cripple my senses; they hit in the most peaceful moments in my day.

Memories can be confusing and enigmatic. They present themselves in my time without a related reason. They bring fear, guilt, sadness, overdue disappointment, or heaviness when I think I have matured and am more intelligent. Learning from mistakes and experiences should make me feel strong, but memories sometimes face me with an ugly truth that I am still insignificant!

I have decided to stand up for my life, present, and future and set the boundaries.

When I was a new mother, I have missed many opportunities to show my kids how much I adored them and how much I needed them in my life, and above all, how much they were and still are worthy, and every moment with them was and still is a blissful moment in my life. I failed to make them believe that they were brilliant.

Making mistakes is a part of being human; mistakes mostly happen when we try to excel more. I focused on being a good mom, and I think errors occurred when I overdid my part; it became more like a job than a loving role to offer to my children. I became a robot.

Guilt is all that I feel when I think about my kids. I know this is not healthy for them and me, but I need to use this guilt to leap into a better place and live peacefully.

It was not my fault; I know now that it was not my fault. I was also in such a need to be loved and feel worthy in an environment that mainly lacks everything but mostly compassion and affection. I worked so hard to teach my kids to build skills and abilities to survive in a heartless environment instead of providing them with a place where they feel my love. I was helping them to find the tools that I needed and got them confused and wondering if they caused me the hurt and how.

If you understand your guilt, you will manage how to use your feelings to make things right.

Healing the effects of unpleasant memories is a journey by itself. This journey will have uncertainties, but it’s a path to take and learn from its successes and failures. It’s my journey and might not help my kids feel better because they have their trips to take.

So why do I have to go on this ride? Because this will tell them that I am willing to learn and never stop looking for a way to pass on my love into their space, but mostly because I am still alive, and I can.

Dana Obeid